NOT BUYING IT: RESERVOIR DOGS

right out of the gate

RESERVOIR DOGS is a great movie.

There now. That should get any wonder out of the way whether this was some idiotic hatchet job for the sake of clickbait. No way in this lifetime or the next will you see Tinseltown Takedown peddling hack crap like that. Using clickbait is like admitting the ship is going down. Only instead of firing off one flare, it’s like firing off a few every day as the hunk of shit sinks slowly out of sight.

If it ever does come to a clickbait fate for Takedown, I’ll tell you this: it’ll come with a picture of two cute canines cradled in the arms of a woman with the Mona Lisa of cleavage, wearing a T-shirt that reads CHECK OUT THESE PUPPIES.

Puppies…dogs. Sounds like the perfect transistion.

Or should I say, Hounds like the perfect –

Yeah, no I should’ve just stopped with the first one. Alright, let’s get to it.

The Beef

I understand the notion in order for the plot to function all the way down to its Mexican standoff ending, Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) has to have endeared himself to Mr. White (Harvey Keitel) in such a manner the career criminal would be willing to lay down his life for him.  What I’m not buying is how Mr. Orange could’ve endeared himself to Mr. White in such a manner the career criminal did lay his life down for him. 

The movie’s Mr. White Chapter establishes a hat trick of things. It lets us know there’s job history between employer Joe Cabot (Lawrence Tierney) and White. With White calling Joe ‘Papa’ and referred to as ‘Junior’ in return tells us they’re more than just work friends. Thirdly, the big boss man’s dialogue establishes all elements are in place for the (doomed) daylight diamond heist. All that’s left for Joe is to round up a crew.

Now this is where someone chimes in with how the aforementioned scene serves to underscore the irony of the blah blah yadda blah. Save it. I know how irony works.

I also know how reality works. From the lack of briefcases containing glowing McGuffins to people belching up geysers of blood, it’s safe to say RESERVOIR DOGS resides in a reality of our own, rather than the enhanced “Tarantino universe” that steadily shaped his movies since. That said, after Joe had these guys assembled, the most he’d keep them hanging around would be a few days. A week, tops. 

Even if it were a week, how much time could Mr. Orange spent in the company of Mr. White? We’re shown two scenes. One in which he’s riding along with White, Nice Guy Eddie, and Mr. Pink. The other, it’s just Orange and White. They’re presumably doing some surveillance on the bank based on White’s “How To Break A Bank Manager” speech. After that, it’s off to get tacos.

Realistically, that just seems a very short time for a career con like Keitel’s character to be enamored by this new “Kid” with apparently a criminal resume consisting of just dealing bricks of dirt weed around town. Even shorter considering how White is willing to ignore their history Nice Guy Eddie requests he remember. White even ignores Eddie’s  rational offer to settle the situation with a conversation.

The most egregious moment is when White admonishes Joe Cabot over his “instinct” as reasoning for condemning Orange as the rat. It’s doubtful Joe would still be in the crime business if he had shitty instincts. What’s White basing his assessment on that made him feel Orange is a “good kid”?  Wouldn’t that also be instinct? 

Unless… there is just one other simple explanation for White being so ticked pink by Orange. What’s the one thing two strangers can experience together simultaneously that could form the kind of intimate, selfless bond White exhibits for Orange? Take away the impossible and you’re left with the possible.

Uh huh. Yep. It has to be. Here, I’ll say it:

Mr. White and Mr. Orange had to have been secret lovers.