The Real Reasons All The Monday Morning Critics With Real Reasons For THE MUMMY Unraveling Got It Wrong

112

Well… at least now I can stop saying, “Show me the Mummy!”

Open Letter to Alex Kurtzman and the rest of Universal’s DARK UNIVERSE

Heads must be spinning over there. Just about every entertainment news site on the web ran a piece about the latest studio’s waaayy below opening weekend expectations for another woefully misguided attempt at aping Marvel’s enviable shared universe paradigm. Or as Universal calls it, The Mummy. 

The studio is quick to crow about Mummy latest pushing past the $3 billion mark overseas. Huzzah and all, just don’t try and pretend having a hit at home isn’t the standard for success. If that were the case, Domestic Marketing would be advertising The Mummy as The #1 Movie In Bangladesh.”

Here’s the thing: even if they were to hear about it, domestic audiences don’t give two shits in a tin cup about what a movie grosses across the pond. Just curious, does somebody at Dark Universe imagine a conversation going something like:

Dark Universe: “Hey, have you seen my first movie, The Mummy?”

Domestic Audiences: “Meh… it was like watching a runner desperately trying to catch up in a race entered in ten years too late.

DU: “But it made nearly triple the money overseas! China loved it!

DA: “In that case, it was great! Can we have some more, please?”

Audiences want a great movie. Heck, most would even settle for a good one.  Too bad  The Mummy was neither.

moresir

“It’s made with leftovers from that other Mummy you liked.”

Maybe it had something to do the screen story & screenplay credit going to six different writers. That’s never a good sign.  That usually results in a movie that’s tonally all over the map. Although… there is a screenplay for an animated movie credited to seven writers. And they got nominated for an Oscar, but they lost. Can guess how many writers were on the script they lost to? That’s right, one. The twist?

That writer is one of the six credited on The Mummy.

By some shrewd fluke, The Mummy is the only title Universal has had any success in resurrecting. That right there is a huge red flag. I’d wager the creature committe under Alex Kurtzman didn’t even a discuss the top drawer names in Universal’s monster arsenal to launch their blandly monikered Dark Universe. I loved how in a December 2016 interview with Entertainment Weekly, Kurtzman makes the gender swap seem as if by epiphany when, aside from the change in eras, it was the only option open in order to avoid being confused with 1999’s previous incarnation.

Screen shot 2017-06-07 at 8.54.46 PM

“Show me the  – ”  You must be sick of that one by now.

By some shrewd fluke, The Mummy is the only title Universal has had any success in resurrecting. That right there is a huge red flag. I’d wager the creature committe under Alex Kurtzman didn’t even a discuss the top drawer names in Universal’s monster arsenal to launch their blandly monikered Dark Universe. I loved how in a December 2016 interview with Entertainment Weekly, Kurtzman makes the gender swap seem as if by epiphany when, aside from the change in eras, it was the only option open in order to avoid being confused with 1999’s previous incarnation.

Here’s the thing: forget the Mummy. Especially considering what happens at the end of the movie. Now it’s so far removed from the source material, there’s just no going back. The first step in trying to keep the Dark Universe from bleeding out too quickly?

Screen shot 2017-06-19 at 4.00.41 AM

“Me and the lads from 30 Odd Foot Grunt have a great song for the –   No? Fine, I’ll be in my trailer. Eating my weight in cold cuts.”

Take care of the Dr. Jekyll problem. Or to the point, his Hyde.

There hasn’t been a favorable take on Russell Crowe as Mr. Hyde. Critics and audiences alike seem to have been holding their breath for something… more. Can you blame them? All “Eddie Hyde” has to offer in change is new skin hue and eye color. I’ve been telling those holdouts to exhale if they think the notoriously tempermental Crowe was going to go the Fredric March route. No way, no day was Rusty subjecting himself hours in the makeup chair to be layered with prosthetics. Nope, all that’s needed is color timing and cartoon cockney accent.

Here’s your real epiphany: no one ever said the same actor has to play both Jekyll and Hyde.  That’s the leaping off point. Good news is, I’ve done the jump for you and provided a sizzle reel, if you will, of just one direction the Dark Universe should take the plunge into. If it hopes to save itself. Enjoy.

As always,  you’re welcome.

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: