The Baywatch Movie Tanked? No Shit

Forget it, DJ. That swimmer’s as dead as the movie’s franchise chances.

Blaming bad reviews for hurting the opening weekend of Baywatch reeks of sour grapes. Especially while at the same time triumphing alleged “great scores” from antiquated test screenings. That’s like [insert favorite sports team here] losing the big game and saying, “We looked good at practice.”

Listen, in blaming bad reviews you’re giving way, way too much perceived power to movie critics. Especially when the pretentious profession has all but gone the way of the dinosaur. Your target audience? People under 25 don’t read reviews. They follow word of mouth on social media. Actually that goes for most people. Know who’s left in the dwindling readership pool for movie critic reviews? Other movie critics. And studio suits too clueless to realize it.

Besides, we both know bad reviews aren’t what turned Baywatch into back wash.

The real reason Baywatch wiped out and left Paramount with sand in its crack? Basically, it’s a lethargic, tediously unfunny script based on a cheesy 80’s TV show watched only for the T&A content (certainly wasn’t for the crackerjack acting or compelling plot lines). That’s the long and short board of it.

Actually… if I’m being honest here, there’s a bigger reason behind Baywatch heading for Davy Jones’ Locker, but I’m not in the habit of kicking sand in someone’s face when they’re down. Unless, it’s Frank Stallone. Or Daniel Baldwin. Way I see it with those two muckafergusons – and I’m paraphrasing Billy Shakes here – turnabout’s fair play.

I digress. Do that when I’m shit faced. Where were we? Oh yeah…

Imagine how bad the ideas for other slogans were to lose out to these.

When it comes to marketing a movie, especially a comedy, you’re letting the people know where they can expect the bar to be set for quality of content, in this case, the jokes. You guys chose to lead with the beaches/bitches puns. 12 year-olds rolled their eyes at this hack work.

Those are works or genius compared to this next campaign. If this were a game of Hot/Cold, this concept is so incredibly far off the mark it’s a figuratively freezing one-eighty away from the source material fans of the TV show are familiar with. Fans Paramount presumably wanted to include those fans in theater seats.

Yet somewhere along the line, you guys locked on to this idea of: “When people think Baywatch, the first thing that comes to mind is the frozen tundra.” And then you all drank the Kool-Aid on the whole “Hey, you know what’ll make them think of Baywatch even more? A riff on last year’s played-out line from Game Of Thrones.”

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As for this next one? Best the less we say, the faster the memory will hopefully go away.  Drinking, I have found, works well for these type of situations. We’re talking mind eraser, no chaser.

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Megan, I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to tell you how to do a job that you might not even have next week, but you have to help me understand…

You guys had all of that Velveeta the TV show is known worldwide for. Instant brand recognition that would have subconsciously given fans of the show a taste of a marketing department’s marmalade. I’m talking about nostalgia. People will go or do or see almost anything if they think even for a minute it’ll return them to some long ago memory they couldn’t find the right pysch-key to unlock.

But the real mother of all fuckups was first to exclude, then change course to include, only to then alienate what arguably was the movie’s best chance in pulling the fans of the show your movie is based on. You had a secret weapon at your disposal – a blonde bombshell, if you will – which you unwisely chose to not to utilize.

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Whatever she was asking, Paramount should’ve paid.

For some bizarre, unfathomable reason, instead of slathering on the TV show’s cheese, Paramount thought it wise to market a campaign not based on the TV show its movie was based on, but rather on an entirely different show that essentially is the opposite in every possible way. Know what other recent small-to-big-screen reboot did the same thing and bit it harder than Baywatch?  That’s right...

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Dax Shepard chipped his pants at how fast the studio pulled his movie from theaters.


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