Actors We Should Legally Be Allowed To Sock in the Face #8: Russell Brand

“Mate, have you seen an English comedian’s career anywhere? Not mine, of course… it’s for a friend, yeah. “
We all know someone who loves the sound of their own voice. They take every opportunity to put their bullshit point of view into any topic at hand. It’s a mild annoyance that usually can be avoided by staying on opposite ends of the room. But when that voice is a shrill, high pitch cockney caterwauling? It must mean Englishman and alleged comedian Russell Brand is in the room.


Brand craves attention – as long as it’s on his terms.  Just ask the director of the documentary Second Coming. Although agreeing to let Ondi Timoner follow him with her camera while he went on his “Messiah Complex” tour, Brand became unhappy with how he was starting to look as the project took shape. He walked away from Timoner’s camera and even tried to block the doc’s premiere at last year’s SXSW Film Festival. Too bad for Brand he didn’t walk just as fast away from that doomed Arthur remake.

Apparently his Assholiness comes off as a shallow narcissistic dipshit.  This especially becomes evident as he seems to be the last person on the planet to realize Katy Perry, his new wife at the time, is a gazillion times more famous than he’ll ever be. Brand’s ego just couldn’t take it. He’s caught on camera whining about the unwanted attention of being Mr. Katy Perry and how it’s trapping him in the very thing he detests, the vapid, vacuous, plastic, constructed, mindless celebrity life.

What Brand meant was Perry’s vapid, vacuous, plastic, constructed, mindless celebrity life. His on its own? Perfectly fine. As long as he doesn’t have to share the spotlight with someone infinitely more talented. Seems to get in the way of him being the British bargain basement Jim Morrison shaman of comedy. In case you were unaware, like most of the world isn’t, Brand fancies himself a very spiritual person. Don’t mind me, I’ll stare at Katy Perry’s rack for the next ten minutes while you finish laughing.

Screen shot 2017-05-29 at 1.21.52 AM
Russell Brand, having his chest upstaged by Katy Perry’s.

 Now that the film roles have all but evaporated, Brand has announced himself an “activist.” Whatever’s clever, I guess. Sounds better than “unemployed tosser” or “failed talk show host” right?

The Dali-lamo reached the peak of fucktardism when he began making “jokes” about drugs while giving a speech at – of all places – a substance abuse fundraiser. The public relations executive for the event? Fifi Geldof, who’s sister Peaches died of a heroin overdose just the year before.

Following Brand’s idiotically inappropriate and extremely offensive speech, Ms. Geldof, who had recently gotten a new tattoo commemorating her deceased sister, was moved to label Brand an “uber-douche extraordinaire.”

Looks like someone finally understands Brand’s “comedy.” Cheers, mate.

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