Here’s The Thing…

About Face Ripping In The Workplace

by Darin Tino; Special Assist from Susie Park

First, let me just open with this: no one here is judging anyone.


That being said, face ripping, unfortunately more often than not, can get messy. Especially in the workplace. If the visage isn’t swiftly lifted & removed in one fell swoop, victims will invariably shriek in agonizing pain, jerking and flailing about, making the face removal process feel less like the wrath of vengeance and more like another task at the office. Revenge is not a dish best served half-assed.

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If I may make a suggestion: how about a throat tear?

I know. You’re saying: “Hey, asshole, I’m a face ripper. That’s what I do. Rip faces. Do I look like some ‘me now’ millennial jumping on the throat tearing bandwagon?”

Look, I know everywhere you go these days it seems there’s one of them Millennials doing a throat tear. And what do they do right after? Exactly. Take a selfie with the victim while dangling a torn esophagus before eyes wide in shock and oxygen deprivation along with tremendous blood loss. That shit’s strictly amateur hour.

Nothing says “I’m a professional” more than ripping someone’s face off. Especially if they deserved it. If we’re talking a really good face rip, nothing beats the terror, the sheer bloody horror freak show of it. Or the timelessness. Some fads come and go, but face ripping will never go out of style.

But unless you’ve kept in peak physical condition by keeping a steady regimen of at least 5 face rips a week minimum, chances are your next face rip may not go as smoothly as the face ripping days of youth. That’s when having a good throat tear technique in your wheelhouse can come in handy. Or in this case, handy-to-throaty.

So if someone has you in a vendetta mood to rip their face off, try something different. Try a throat tear. If the results aren’t what you were hoping for? Right above that freshly torn larynx losing blood is still a fresh face ready to rip. Sorta like surf ‘n’ turf.

Alright, good talk. See you out there.


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