Actors We Should Legally Be Allowed To Sock In The Face #14: Stephen Dorff

“The secret to my marginal success? It’s… wait, what’s marginal mean?”

Look, every guy with a set of stones at some point in their life wished they could be Steve McQueen for a day. Not part time actor and full time Blu E-Cig peddler Stephen Dorff. According to those in his orbit, Dorff fancies himself some sort of second coming of the King of Cool.

Try more like Chad McQueen than Papa Papillon. The McQueen I knew sure as shit never would’ve hawked e-Cigs. Think the icon who played Lieutenant Frank Bullitt would be caught pretending it’s cool pretending a glowing blue pen sticking out of his mug was as good as a real cigarette? Not on your life, hombre.

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“How cool do I look pretending to be playing a game of chest?”

When Dorff is onscreen, he’s got one speed: playing Stephen Dorff. He’s woefully miscast as a pint sized bad-ass. He doesn’t even register as a criminal threat in Michael Mann’s Dillinger disaster Public Enemies. Same goes for his role as the leader of a 50’s street gang in Douches Wild.  Whoops, I meant Deuces Wild.

What seals his fate for a
date with a haymaker has to be an asshole move Dorff just wasn’t smooth enough to pull off. According to Douche Lore in Hollywood, in 2006 Dorff tried jumping the line for the bathroom at club of the month, Bungalow 8. Unfortunately for him, he took cuts in front of known hacktor* Jeremy Piven.

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Jeremy Piven – the Brando of Douchebags

According to plenty of eyewitnesses to what went down, the two diminutive actors got into what was described as “a spat.” Piven called Dorff out for line jumping. Mini McQueen attempted to qualify his action acceptable of a “movie star.” He then took a dig at Piven, reminding him he was “only a cable TV actor.” Apparently no one taught Dorff how to respect his elders.

A peeved Piven proudly pulverized the punk with a slam dunk, declaring Dorff a “has-been.” When you get taken to task for douchebag behavior by the Douche-lama himself? Consider little Stevie Dorff knocked the fuck out.

(*hacktor – n. a hack actor; an actor who’s work is that of a hack)

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