Actors We Should Legally Be Allowed To Sock In The Face #12: Ian Ziering

“Feel feel feel feel… FEEEELL.. Feel my heat”



(Forward from Ian Ziering’s Subconscious Ego Mind)

Ahem, good evening…

Hello, ladies… hi.

HEY! Sorry… ha ha. Did I frighten any of – No? Not even just barely. Wow that is a very precise measurement of.. um, obscure tangerine… tangent? What did I say? Tangerine? No, I didn’t… I can tell you’re the funny one.

Ladies, see this intense look on my face? Right above this perfectly comfortable tuxedo-less tuxedo collar? If it could talk my face would be saying to me…to tell you… that I’m intense. On the other end of the spectrum, I’m an intensely handsome guy. Another way of saying it would be that I’m a man of many levels of… intense layers.  Like an onion. An intensely handsome onion.

Why do you keep asking about why I’m clenching my teeth? Because I’m not. This? This is a smile. What, you’ve never seen a smile be– 

Ladies..? Hey? Where are you going? Was it the tuxedo-less tuxedo collar?

“These things? Most times I forget it’s around my neck the moment I put it on… Most times…”

Let me literally be the first person to say Ian Ziering is a gifted actor. And while those gifts have absolutely nothing to do with the world of acting as we know it, it’s irrelevant to the point. Much in the same way Ian Ziering is irrelevant to acting. Which is my point to begin with. I think. Who’s idea was it to start at the Rumba Room so early? Mine? Next time do the opposite of whatever I say whenever I’m on the mescal.

What was I going on about? Oh yeah, Ian…

“It’s pronounced EYE-an.”  Ziering feels is necessary to stuffily tell anyone who screws up his name, which is just about everyone. I’ve never heard anyone with the same spelled name who insists on Ziering’s ponce pronunciation. It’d be like me telling everyone, “It’s pronounced DYE-no.” The old neighborhood would eat me alive.

Ziering also loves spouting bumper sticker platitudes. Some of his favorites include the profound “Lead, follow, or get out of the way” and the inspiring jibberish of  “Pro Life is Pro Choice is Pro Me is Pro You!”  The kicker? He seems to sell them as pearls of Ziering wisdom sprung from the fertile mind in a peak specimen of man and not the me-jerk reactions and lunatic regurgitations that spill from the alleged drill holes in his head holding that semi life-like hedge of hair to his scalp.

Check out the first (and I assume last) train wreck of a web show where Ziering spends  the majority of the runtime wandering around Hollywood in hopes he’s recognized. It’s tantamount to watching a lost child searching for his momma. Only the child is a grown man and that grown man is “EYE-an” Ziering. Sad.



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