Actors We Should Legally Be Allowed To Sock In The Face #5: Miles Teller

So… he’s doing that with his face… on purpose?


How in the halls of Montezuma am I supposed to seriously take Miles Teller and that perfectly practiced, deliberately insolent pout on his slab of ham face. Hold on… maybe he’s doing that baby face thing? Is that a Duck Face? Or What-the-Fuck Face. Final answer? He’s doing a Zoolander and unleashing his new look, Douche Steele.

Miles Teller clearly drank all the Kool-Aid passed around to wash down the hype surrounding that overrated drum school movie. Now
the kid with the breadbox head thinks he’s the second coming of Monty Cliff . Last week it was Paul Newman. Week after this it’ll be someone else’s moves stolen for the next photo shoot promoting whatever movie Teller bombs in next. He’s the kind of guy Taylor Kitsch likes having around.

What really signified
the douche has landed? Teller’s train wreck of an interview with Esquire in 2015. In between tough guy posturing, dude-bro quotes, rape jokes, and referring to Joaquin Phoenix  – who’s he’s never met –  as ” Joaq,” the self assured Teller was a treasure trove of douchebag quotes. The best one? Comes courtesy of some thoughtful reflection on his self-image:

“I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am.”

Yep, that should seal the deal on Teller taking his next meal in the form of
a knuckle sandwich. And just in case some of you need just one last push for convincing? Miles Teller and his high school bros, referred to themselves as “the 32 Crew” for the thirty-two ounce beers they’d drink because, bro, Florida don’t sell no forties.

That’s not the push. Can’t fault the 32 Crew being forty-less. Gotta binge drink what’s available when looking to get your underage buzz on. Here’s the push:
Teller and the rest of his bros in the 32 Crew collectively decided sometime after 2:00 a.m. it was a good idea to roust the drunk old bastard living in the tattoo parlor and let him use some crooked needle to etch three X’s with an I into each of their biceps.

Come to think of it, with decision making skills like that? Not to mention he’s basically
one more box office bomb away from being sentenced to Actor’s Jail… if we leave Miles Teller to his own, he’s bound to do the work for us. I say let’s see how this one rides out a little longer. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s