Brother, Can You Score Some Outrage?


You know how it goes. First one is free. Second time is gonna cost you. Soon enough, you need it more often and more of it. Now you’re hooked and looking to get that next hit anyway possible.

That’s how it is with outrage addicts. Now it’s open season to be outraged about anything that can be linked in the slightest way to any known or imagined suffering. Just as long as they get their outrage to fuel their social media platform designed to shine a light on themselves shining a light on the issue.

Injustice junkies had a high time last year with the #OscarsSoWhite campaign. They took to their tweets and blogs, letting us know, whether we wanted or not, just how outraged they were over the so-called controversy  of “whitewashing” in Hollywood. When the 2017 Oscar nominees were announced, a collective groan of disappointment could be heard from gourmet coffee shops and gluten-free bakeries across Los Feliz, Echo Park, and the more socially aware, hip parts of Venice.

Sure, there’s a buzz to be had from #OscarsSoYoung, but everyone knows old people don’t follow Twitter. They don’t read their news off the internet. They still read those things called the newspaper. An outrage addict needs an audience that’s not gonna die on them next week.

“Young punks are in for it… just as soon as I figure out how to use this contraption.”

Outrage addicts strung out on “whitewash” got the fix they’ve been jonesing for with the release of Ghost In The Shell. They went to town with promises of boycotts and blasting the casting of Scarlett Johannson as lead in the Asian cartoon based movie. Yes, that’s right. Outrage over a cartoon character. The need to feed a “whitewash” monkey will drive an outrage addict to claim ridiculous indignities. Just look at this asshole.

“If I put more time into talking to girls… aw, who am I kidding?”

The majority of these “whitewash” outrage addicts are whiteThis could be their way of dealing with their white guilt and earn street cred with the racial groups they’re championing. Here’s the news: that ain’t happening. Why? I’m glad you asked.

There’s a ton of real world problems they’re facing. They don’t give a shit about something as ridiculous as your fantasy conspiracy of Hollywood studios hiring actors that are also international stars with worldwide fanbases that can potentially bring a higher likelihood of profit to their film rather than a lesser or unknown actor that has no proven box office draw. If “whitewash” conspiracy were on their list of shit to deal with? My guess is it would be so far down it would fall somewhere below “How in the hell do we get Daniel Baldwin out of our den?”

“Are you familiar with my work in John Carpenter’s Vampires?”

Right about now is where the outrage addicts hooked on Hollywood “whitewash” conspiracy, break out their perceived ace-in-the-hole:  Mickey Rooney’s performance  as “Asian” landlord Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast At Tiffany’s.

Mickey Rooney put 0% research into this role.

We can all agree how this grotesque caricature is just bad in every which way.  To spin some perspective, the movie is a romantic comedy, not some Oscar baiting drama. That doesn’t excuse Rooney’s offensively broad portrayal of an Asian man as some bucktoothed stereotype, but there was no hidden “whitewash” agenda. It was done for the sake of comedy. People thought this kind of shit was funny back then. They also thought getting hit in the face with a pie was a laugh riot. Nobody does now and that’s why we don’t see it anymore in the movies.

Before someone else, allow me to bring up  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

“Ah, so… I see, not rearry funny, then?”

Again, we can all agree  this is patently offensive. Again, to spin some perspective, it’s from an Adam Sandler movie. And that’s Rob Schneider, a comedian of questionable talents mostly known for trying to convince moviegoers the poodle on top of his head is his God-given, natural hair.

Rob Scheinder: alleged comedian and Hair Club For Men client

Aw hell. I forgot what happens whenever Sandler’s full name gets uttered aloud., Rob Schneider appears … Easy, Schneids. You wanna do the man dance? Give me two minutes to wrap this up and I’ll meet you outside. Show you how to Tango with Tino.

“I’ll kick your ass, Darin Tino… soon as I call Sandler.”

I digress. Do that when I’m shit faced. Where were we? Oh yeah…

Notice there’s no such thing as “blackwash” outrage?  When international box office star Denzel Washington was cast as The Equalizer nobody sparked a bowl of outrage and took to their social media to shine a light on themselves shining a light on that issue. After all, it’s a role originally played by Edward Woodward. With a handle like that, you damn well know dude’s a white guy. I’m sure we all know how it would’ve went down for anyone to protest. Outrage addicts may be junkies, but they’re not fools.

Screen shot 2017-04-10 at 7.47.56 PM
The Equalizer: Ebony & Ivory Edition

Nonetheless, there’s a difference between being foolish and acting like an asshole. One thing these “whitewash” outrage addicts are too concerned about looking socially active to their Facebook followers to understand:  boycotting a movie because of an actor’s skin color is just another form of casting dispersions over an individual or group based solely on race and creed.  Guess what? That’s bigotry.  Outrage addicts can argue, but they’d still be fucking wrong.

“Whitewash” outrage addicts need to go cold turkey with this ridiculous crap. It’s so easy to pick something to protest from the comfort of your couch and blog about. Try mainlining outrage for a cause that requires getting off your ass. Step outside your door  where you’ll feel the real deal of injustice happening. Volunteer your time at a shelter or as care giver for the elderly. Tell you what, if you got the guts to step out of your comfort zone, aka your house, and get out and really do something for someone that needs help? Buddy, that’s a buzz so sweet no tweet can compete. Put that in your Frank Stallone and smoke it. Right, Frank?

03 - 1
“Yo, fellas! Over here! No, here! Right here!”

Before anyone gets hot under the collar about freedom of expression or right to an opinion, let’s go out on a joke, shall we? C’mon,  I think you’ll like it. Really.

Q: What do you call a bigot on a soapbox?

A: Bigot.

Good talk. See you out there.

– Darin Tino

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