Who’s this ham-size headed hunk? He should change his name to Kevin James Dean. Yeah, probably not.

The career path of Kevin James is unpredictable and as exciting as playing a single Mad Lib played over and over with the same five words. It’s clear Kevin’s aware of his limitations, but there’s a difference between staying in your lane and falling asleep at the wheel. My job? Deliver five show ideas with edgy roles that will get Kevin James to expand his acting range rather than his waistline. The catch? The concepts must keep the allegedly clever phrasing of the only non-numerical word that rhymes with Kevin. Wait, what? Ah, f*ck me. Alright, here we go then.

1. KEVIN HELP US – He doesn’t take the high road when dealing with low lives.

Flip the script on Kevin’s “lovable chunky lunk head” by turning his baseball caps forward, add some facial scruff & sunglasses and bam! You’ve got Kevin ‘Brick’ Hause – ex-soldier, ex-bounty hunter turned extreme vigilante roaming rural backwoods and swamp lands dispensing his brand of justice. Kevin gets to tackle a Southern accent for Brick’s catchphrase: “You done run into a Brick wall.” Get Kid Rock to do a Dixie-fried version of ‘Brickhouse’ for the theme song and Kevin Help Us is ratings gold.

2. KEVIN ON EARTH – Out of this world & into your heart

Kevin looks like an average portly adult male with an abnormally elongated head. Only he’s actually K-Vin, a portly alien child with an abnormally elongated head that took the family flying saucer for a joyride. When the UFO crash lands into the barn on the Henderson farm, get ready for family friendly laughs a plenty. Between keeping a Kenga on K-Vin’s large lid and the UFO disguised as a haystack in the barn while undergoing repair, the Hendersons have their hands full hiding their alien house guest’s identity from the rest of the town. Think Starman meets Rain Man and you’ve got Kevin on Earth.

3. PENNIES FROM KEVIN – A millionaire with no sense.

Expect a wealth of laughs as Kevin Brewster goes from regular-Joe to Rockefeller overnight when he learns he’ll be inheriting 10 million dollars a day for an entire year. But easy street proves anything but, when he must end each day with only ten cents in his pocket. If he does, he stands to win 50O million. A penny more and he gets nothing. Can he lose it all every day without losing his mind? This small screen reboot of Brewster’s Millions is money in the bank.

4. KEVIN & HELL – One saint. One sinner. Who will be the winner?

This comedy/drama is an actor’s dream: a dual role playing twin brothers. Kevin James will be Kevin, the good brother with gold rim glasses who runs the “family business” from a pristine penthouse. Kevin also will be Mel, the black sheep with bangs, cast down from the penthouse into the streets where the mischief maker schemes a ruthless return to take down his brother. Getting the idea? For the people in the cheap seats, the show’s marketing will have the title as Kevin & Mel with a red spray-painted “H” over the M and another “L” added. Comedy. Drama. Twice the Kevin James. What’s not to love?

5. KNOCKING ON KEVIN’S DOOR – From A-list to Gay-list.

This one’s a bit risky, but actors who take risks often reap rewards, right? Definitely not for network, this low brow, high concept premise will have Kevin James jumping on the “meta” postmodern bandwagon. He’ll play actor Kevin James, the catalyst responsible for the steady decline of quality in Adam Sandler movies. Dropped from Grown Ups 3 and blacklisted by Hollywood, Kevin turns to the only gig available: gay porn in Chatsworth. A twist of fate turns his first walk-on role into an overnight sensation. As pressure, ahem, mounts, Kevin has to decide if he’s ready to start at the bottom… as a bottom