Brother, Can You Score Some Outrage?

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In the social media age, OUTRAGE is the new addiction

You know how it goes. First one is free. Second time is gonna cost you. Soon enough, you need it more often and more of it. Now you’re hooked and looking to get that next hit anyway possible.

That’s how it is with outrage addicts. Now it’s open season to be outraged about anything that can be linked in the slightest way to any known or imagined suffering. Just as long as they get their outrage to fuel their social media platform designed to shine a light on themselves shining a light on the issue.

Injustice junkies had a high time last year with the #OscarsSoWhite campaign. They took to their tweets and blogs, letting us know, whether we wanted or not, just how outraged they were over the so-called controversy  of “whitewashing” in Hollywood. When the 2017 Oscar nominees were announced, a collective groan of disappointment could be heard from gourmet coffee shops and gluten-free bakeries across Los Feliz, Echo Park, and the more socially aware, hip parts of Venice.

Sure, there’s a buzz to be had from #OscarsSoYoung, but everyone knows old people don’t follow Twitter. They don’t read their news off the internet. They still read those things called the newspaper. An outrage addict needs an audience that’s not gonna die on them next week.

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“Young punks are in for it… just as soon as I figure out how to use this contraption.”

Outrage addicts strung out on “whitewash” got the fix they’ve been jonesing for with the release of Ghost In The Shell. They went to town with promises of boycotts and blasting the casting of Scarlett Johannson as lead in the Asian cartoon based movie. Yes, that’s right. Outrage over a cartoon character. The need to feed a “whitewash” monkey will drive an outrage addict to claim ridiculous indignities. Just look at this asshole.

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“If I put more time into talking to girls… aw, who am I kidding?”

The majority of these “whitewash” outrage addicts are whiteThis could be their way of dealing with their white guilt and earn street cred with the racial groups they’re championing. Here’s the news: that ain’t happening. Why? I’m glad you asked.

There’s a ton of real world problems they’re facing. They don’t give a shit about something as ridiculous as your fantasy conspiracy of Hollywood studios hiring actors that are also international stars with worldwide fanbases that can potentially bring a higher likelihood of profit to their film rather than a lesser or unknown actor that has no proven box office draw. If “whitewash” conspiracy were on their list of shit to deal with? My guess is it would be so far down it would fall somewhere below “How in the hell do we get Daniel Baldwin out of our den?”

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“Are you familiar with my work in John Carpenter’s Vampires?”

Right about now is where the outrage addicts hooked on Hollywood “whitewash” conspiracy, break out their perceived ace-in-the-hole:  Mickey Rooney’s performance  as “Asian” landlord Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast At Tiffany’s.

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Mickey Rooney put 0% research into this role.

We can all agree how this grotesque caricature is just bad in every which way.  To spin some perspective, the movie is a romantic comedy, not some Oscar baiting drama. That doesn’t excuse Rooney’s offensively broad portrayal of an Asian man as some bucktoothed stereotype, but there was no hidden “whitewash” agenda. It was done for the sake of comedy. People thought this kind of shit was funny back then. They also thought getting hit in the face with a pie was a laugh riot. Nobody does now and that’s why we don’t see it anymore in the movies.

Before someone else, allow me to bring up  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

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“Ah, so… I see, not rearry funny, then?”

Again, we can all agree  this is patently offensive. Again, to spin some perspective, it’s from an Adam Sandler movie. And that’s Rob Schneider, a comedian of questionable talents mostly known for trying to convince moviegoers the poodle on top of his head is his God-given, natural hair.

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Rob Scheinder: alleged comedian and Hair Club For Men client

Aw hell. I forgot what happens whenever Sandler’s full name gets uttered aloud., Rob Schneider appears … Easy, Schneids. You wanna do the man dance? Give me two minutes to wrap this up and I’ll meet you outside. Show you how to Tango with Tino.

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“I’ll kick your ass, Darin Tino… soon as I call Sandler.”

I digress. Do that when I’m shit faced. Where were we? Oh yeah…

Notice there’s no such thing as “blackwash” outrage?  When international box office star Denzel Washington was cast as The Equalizer nobody sparked a bowl of outrage and took to their social media to shine a light on themselves shining a light on that issue. After all, it’s a role originally played by Edward Woodward. With a handle like that, you damn well know dude’s a white guy. I’m sure we all know how it would’ve went down for anyone to protest. Outrage addicts may be junkies, but they’re not fools.

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The Equalizer: Ebony & Ivory Edition

Nonetheless, there’s a difference between being foolish and acting like an asshole. One thing these “whitewash” outrage addicts are too concerned about looking socially active to their Facebook followers to understand:  boycotting a movie because of an actor’s skin color is just another form of casting dispersions over an individual or group based solely on race and creed.  Guess what? That’s bigotry.  Outrage addicts can argue, but they’d still be fucking wrong.

“Whitewash” outrage addicts need to go cold turkey with this ridiculous crap. It’s so easy to pick something to protest from the comfort of your couch and blog about. Try mainlining outrage for a cause that requires getting off your ass. Step outside your door  where you’ll feel the real deal of injustice happening. Volunteer your time at a shelter or as care giver for the elderly. Tell you what, if you got the guts to step out of your comfort zone, aka your house, and get out and really do something for someone that needs help? Buddy, that’s a buzz so sweet no tweet can compete. Put that in your Frank Stallone and smoke it. Right, Frank?

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“Yo, fellas! Over here! No, here! Right here!”

Before anyone gets hot under the collar about freedom of expression or right to an opinion, let’s go out on a joke, shall we? C’mon,  I think you’ll like it. Really.

Q: What do you call a bigot on a soapbox?

A: Bigot.

Good talk. See you out there.

– Darin Tino

 

 

Tinseltown Takedown w/Darin Tino asks: Sean Penn

Was Jeff Spicoli based on Groovin’ Gary?

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Hey… I know that dude…”

Tail end of the 1979. Trent Harris works at his local Salt Lake City news station. The new color video camera has arrived and you better believe Harris is field testing that baby in the parking lot. That’s where he notices some dude hanging around and taking pictures of the station’s helicopter. Harris lenses in on him.

Dude ambles on over, awestruck at “being on the TV.” Harris chats him up and turns out dude himself is an entertainer, of sorts. He breaks out with some celebrity impressions. Your basic John Wayne, the Duke’s drawl morphs into Sylvester Stallone as Rocky, referring to himself in third person. Go figure. The impressions are far from stellar, but unlike most “always on” types you wanna punch in the face after the first 5 minutes, this is one endearing dude. Just impossible to hate on this suburban hayseed hick getting his kicks out of taking a picture of someone filming him.

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“Say… awesome!”

That’s how we meet Richard LaVon Griffiths aka Groovin’ Gary as he appears for the first time in the documentary The Beaver Trilogy.  The doc also shows how Harris, an aspiring director at the time, became arguably obsessed trying to re-create Gary’s groovy vibe in not one, but two short films, both titled The Beaver Boy. 

Harris somehow contacts a pre-fame Sean Penn for the first version. Wants him to come in and read for the first onscreen incarnation of Groovin’ Gary. True to form, Penn told Harris rather than audition, he had another idea: “What I’m going to do is pretend like I’m your cousin from Idaho and I’ll spend the day with you.”  Penn got the part. In a short film almost no one saw.

Cut to tail end of summer, 1982. Fast Times At Ridgemont High is playing in theaters and crushing it. Box office smash blasts Penn into fame’s stratosphere playing one of the icons of cinema’s stoned pantheon, surfer Jeff Spicoli. Some thirty-plus years later, it’s still the role he’s indelibly tied to. It’s also the character Penn’s most intractable to talk shop about.  Maybe now we know why.

Off to the hills of Maliboo-yeah I go. Zero in on the spot Penn tends to habit. Hang around the back long enough, Penn appears for a smoke break. Sidle up and bum a smoke. One of the tricks to the game is to have your own light. It’s like showing them a four-leaf clover. It never happens. As a reaction getter, it works every time. Then I hit him straight with the question: “Was Jeff Spicoli based on Groovin’ Gary?”

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Yeah, he wasn’t too happy. Listen, the article says Darin Tino asks Sean Penn about Spicoli and Groovin’ Gary. Didn’t make any promises he’d answer back. Tell you what. Have a look at Exhibit A. Let your eyes and ears be the jury. And you be the judge

2017 Oscars Controversy Continues

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The award for biggest clusterfuck goes to…

More Mixup Mayhem As Producer Michael De Luca Compares Best Picture Fiasco To Different Tragedies

While speaking to The Hollywood Reporter about the harrowing moments after the wrong winner had been announced, amid vows how a scuttled scripted final bit between host Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon would’ve been “a kicker” and the number of Diet Cokes he’d drank, show producer Michael De Luca compared the chaotic event to elements of The Hindenburg. Apparently aware of his mix-up, De Luca then compared the moment to the Titanic.

The dual comparison has sparked outrage among protestors outside Sony offices. Worse, it’s caused catastrophic confusion.

“Well, we don’t know which protest group deserves to be here now, do we?” Fran Pratt, a 30-something waitress with family history tied the Hindenburg tragedy complained,  “Us Hindenburgers or the Titanic crowd.”

Burt Scranton, a 47 year-old business accountant and self described Titanic fanatic remains in the dark about De Luca’s dual comparison. “It don’t make no sense,” Scranton pointed out. “One’s an instant fiery demise where no one survived. The other was a slow embrace of the icy Atlantic where some lived to tell the tale. How can it be both?”

“No way the Titanics belong here,” says Fritz Klang, bloodline descendant of a Hindenburg engineer and part time Slurpee machine repairman. “The Oscars went down in flames. Where do you think that expression comes from?”

“How insensitive can Michael De Luca be?” Eloise Simms wonders from her lawn chair  among other uncertain oceanic tragedy encampments.  Gripping the Titanic protest shawl she’s unsure she should finish bedazzling for the protest, the 71 year-old widow casts a baleful glare at windows of De Luca’s office. “I’d like to jab him in the nuts with a knitting needle.”

Perhaps confessed “outrage addict” Chet Besterson best sums up the devastation caused by De Luca’s dual comparison. “What’d the Academy expect hiring the guy who killed Mike Meyers career?” Besterson refers to the De Luca produced box office flop, The Love Guru. Surveying the disarray of confused protesters, Besterson’s eyes brim and he quickly turns back to packing away his Hindenburg diorama intended for indignant display. When asked who would’ve been better suited to produce the show, Besterson is quick to respond.

Charles Manson,” he answers. “Or Frank Stallone. Now that would’ve been a show.”

 

The 10 Worst Authority Figures: Comedy

Ten brilliant actors bringing their A-Game to playing the a-hole. Ineptitude has never been so funny.

10. Principal Rooney

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“I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.”

Jeffrey Jones does “hapless bastard” like no body’s business. As the foil in Ferris Bueller’s Day OffPrincipal Rooney fancies himself a Dirty Harry of the school hall. By end credits roll, the beaten Rooney is more like the Coyote to Matthew Broderick‘s Roadrunner, aka Ferris Bueller. In a bizarre twist of fate, Jones is now a registered as a sex offender after a 2003 arrest for soliciting a minor for X-rated photos.

9.  Walter Peck  

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“I’m not grotesquely stupid.”

When Walter Peck makes his first appearance at the firehouse headquarters in Ghostbusters, the clenched-jawed, indignant EPA fink oozes more slime than the other ghosts combined. Played pitch perfect by William Atherton, just listen to the way the paper pushing, pencil neck Peck asks, “May I please see the storage facility, Mr. Vennkman?” It’s smarminess raised to high art.

8. Vice Principal Vernon

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“They love me around here. I’m a swell guy.”

I will fight you if you don’t think Paul Gleason is the MVP of The Breakfast Club. Bare knuckles, knives, chains, pointed sticks, you just name it. Gleason channels a slightly psychotic, ramrod straight drill sergeant diligence into Richard “Dick” Vernon. It’s the type of performance by an actor that understands the importance of playing the straight man. At the end of the day, Vice Principal Vernon walks away with the most laughs… and a toilet seat cover stuck to his pants.

7. Detective Hank Dick 

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“Nobody plays with Dick!”

Another dick in the deck, this Dick is a pain in the neck. Billy Zane stars as Joey Turks in Blood & Concrete: A Love Story, an ’90’s indie comedy that never got its due. Among the colorful jibber-jabbing characters that fill the flick, classic TV actor Darren McGavin goes nutso with gusto as deranged Detective Hank Dick. A scene where he drives into midday traffic while scowling straight at Zane squirming away riding shotgun,  done as one long take, is priceless.

6. Officer Bimbeau 

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“Lemme tell you buttholes somethin’! This shit’s  wwaaayyyy out of line!”

There’s those who see The Hollywood Knights as a prank filled raunchfest and a treasure trove of quotes for those in the know. Then there’s the high minded, self anointed purveyors of taste like alleged “movie reviewer” Pete Laurie. Doomed buffoons forever confused by the antics of the Newbaum Turks of the world. Representing this Laurie-esque ass clownery is Gaylord Sartain as Officer Bimbeau. It’s a performance one can only assume Pete Laurie found mesmerizing.

5.  Dean Vernon Wormer

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“It’s time that someone put their foot down. And that foot is me.”

Fondly and forever remembered as the dean of mean at Faber University ain’t a bad  legacy to have. As Dean Vernon Wormer, John Vernon owns it. Just owns it. Watch the scene where he stalks into Delta house like a predator in a three piece suit. Voice sounding like a tank rolling over a gravel rock road as he foolishly lowers the boom on our heroes in Animal House. For it’s said lowered boom that seals the fate of Wormer’s academic career, leading to his last words: “I hate those guys…”

4. Sergeant Stedenko

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“Some asshole pissed on my leg!”

Thank Stacy Keach for acting the shit out of what could’ve been a one-joke pony  from Up In Smoke. A master craftsman like Keach brings the bombast big time. You can practically feel the heat off bellowing windbag Sergeant Stedenko. As the narc’s quest to catch Cheech & Chong repeatedly derails due to incompetence,we feel Stedenko’s misery go from slow burn to full blown freak out in the finale as the stoned sergeant finally lets it all go and goes for it.

3. Major Vaughn Liceman 

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“I did have a few brief moments of satisfaction in Vietnam!”

Up The Academy is Mad Magazine’s attempt to get some leftover Lampoon tang at the box office. As a critical and financial disaster, it’s undeniable. As comedy gold spun by Ron Leibman, it’s irrefutable. Leibman revels in maniacal glee whenever commanding recruits to “Say it again!”  Telegraphing the Major’s major sadistic side, his presence always comes with an over the top icy wind and the ominous dirge of the Stooges “Gimme Danger.” It’s sheer dingbat surrealism that would make David Lynch proud

2. Judge Smails

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“I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I felt I owed it to them.”

All hail the judge. Ted Knight takes his stuffed shirt persona from TV’s  The Mary Tyler Moore Show and goes to big screen-levels of cartoonish self-important buffoonery.  If viewed as a study into one man’s descent into mental illness, Caddyshack becomes a tale about Hizzoner having an extended nervous breakdown as his world – safe “snob” country club life – becomes invaded by madness – the “slobs.”  Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield are  wild cards in the comedic deck, but the ace up the movie’s sleeve is Knight. A poker metaphor used for a golf flick?  Deal with it.  

1. Sheriff Buford T. Justice 

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“Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum’s pecker.”

There is no way, no way Jackie Gleason could steal this movie from Burt Reynolds.  It’s Gleason’s movie to begin with. It’s called Smokey and the Bandit, not the other way around. Director Hal Needham wisely gave Gleason free range to improvise. In every scene he’s in as the career lawman hellbent on taking down the Bandit, Gleason deploys Oliver Hardy-like fastidiousness to his mannerisms. The classic scene in a Choke-and-Puke diner where Justice orders an El Diablo sandwich and has no idea the fellow chatting him up is the Bandit himself –  the only scene Gleason and Reynolds share the screen time together – was Gleason’s idea. Just another reason why he was known as The Great One.

10 SNL Cast Members For President

The trainwreck shit show resulting in Donald Trump becoming our nation’s 45th President has caused a who’s who of the screw-loose crew to come out of the woodwork wanting to run for office. Some of these wackadoos used to be likeably famous. For a brief time anyway. 

Then there’s Joe Piscopo. The Saturday Night Live alumni and alleged comedian was so “inspired” by Trump’s success,  he’s “seriously looking” at the race for Governor of New Jersey. An announcement made presumably onstage to an empty room at Wheezy’s Chuckle Hut in Paramus.

If Piscopo can go gubernatorial, then let’s take it up a notch. Here’s  10 Not Ready For Prime Time Players that should run for President.

10. David Spade

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Small in stature, but big on sarcastic barbs, Spade’s snark and swagger would wake up boring politics. Also, he’s got the best shot taking the title from JFK as White House Womanizer.  If only Chris Farley were here to be his VP.  @DavidSpade

9. Chevy Chase

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Considering the presidential experience gained playing Gerald Ford as a  bumbling idiot on SNL, this elect is a no-brainer. While not at the peak of fame once had, he’s still Chevy Chase and you’re not.  @ChevyChaseToGo

8. Victoria Jackson

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The loopy comedian has run for office before, but her bid for aTennessee county commission seat didn’t take. As a candidate for first female POTUS, Jackson’s love it-or-hate it babydoll voice will woo voters or have them thinking, “Maybe another four years of Trump is ok?” @VictoriaJackson

7. Jim Breuer

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Aces when it comes to celebrity impressions – he nails AC/DC’s Brian Johnson so well, the lead singer thought it was himself – Breuer would bring a whole new meaning to political party. Just look at him. That’s a guy who’d be known as our Commander in Spleef.  @JimBreuer

6. Tracy Morgan

Image: File of comedian and  actor Tracy  Morgan from the television series

People may not want another no-filter prez after four years of Trump, but while one skews loathsome, the other is lovable. To paraphrase Morgan himself, his run for Oval Office would be “HiLARious!”   @RealTracyMorgan

5. Rachel Dratch

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The criminally underrated comedian would win over voter’s hearts with those adorable baby blues. Fast on her feet when it comes to the funny, count on Dratch to diffuse issues with world leaders by reacting to calamity in her signature Debbie Downer look. @TheRealDratch

4. Norm McDonald

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The campaign team would have their work cut out trying to rally McDonald out of his low key approach. But if Norm ran on the platform promise to spend his entire presidency as Burt Reynolds, he’d get my vote. His running mate? Turd Ferguson. @normmacdonald

3. Kate McKinnon

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Not only did Kate escape the doomed Ghostbusters reboot unscathed, the star making turn sent her cache way up the A-list. With Hollywood clamoring to for her must-have moxie, what better leader of the free world than the woman who made the notoriously expressionless, Brando-wannabe Ryan Gosling to lose it during a bawdy SNL sketch? @KMcKinnonFans

2. Eddie Murphy

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He’s been laying low for quite a while, but imagine if Murphy were to harness the Raw and Delirious Eddie that was unstoppable in the ’80’s? America would have the coolest and hopefully most foul mouthed, funny  C in C in history. It’s gotta be better than seeing Murphy make Beverly Hills Cop 4.  @eddiemurphy

1. Bill Murray

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“Back off, man. I’m the President.”

If your Bucket List doesn’t include “Party with Bill Murray” then check your pulse, pal, your bucket’s been kicked. Think Kim Jong-un or Putin would choose going nuclear over spending the weekend hanging with Murray? Not a chance. World Peace in the hole! And that’s the fact, Jack. @BillMurray

5 REASONS KATE McKINNON IS A SURE BET FOR THE ‘ACE VENTURA’ REBOOT

1. She’s the reason to watch Saturday Night Live again

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She’s a whirlin’ dervish of fresh air, breathin’ new vitality into SNL, which – just between me and you and Joey Blabbers behind the bar – has been on life support the last few seasons. McKinnon runs circles around the rest of the cast. Don’t get me started on that Mooney kid. Somebody tell him Steven Tyler doesn’t sound like Chris Kattan’s David Lee Roth impression! Speaking of of those…

2. Kate’s a chameleon

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The list of uncanny celebrity impressions Kate does is longer than the rest of the SNL cast combined. Kate kills it consistently with her Hillary Clinton, Iggy Azalea, and her impish pisstake on Justin Bieber. Word on the street is Biebs lost twenty large tryin’ to pick out which one was him.

3. Boy, can she make with the faces

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Her metamorphic mug and Looney-Tunes delivery makes the most manic Jim Carey performance seem understated. When it comes to ridiculously over-the-top facial expressions, hands down, Kate would give Carrey a run for his money.

4. Her comedy chops have made her the talk of the town

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I ain’t tellin’ tales outta school when I say that Paul Feig, director of the new Ghostbusters and personal fan of mine, chose Kate first, then built the cast around her. Every  scene she’s in – which is just about all of ’em –  Kate steals it like a boss.

5. There ain’t a gal who can do glamorous gloriously goofy weirdo like her

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Kate’s a fine feline kitten kind of moxie that can turn on a dime. Before you know it, you got the same mad McKinnon crush like the rest of us. That kind of stealth meltin’ hearts makes Kate the kind of gal you jump at the chance to do the town with, but better bring bail money.

Kate McKinnon in the role of Ace VenturaLike a glove.

10 Rejected Alternative Titles For The Alternatively Titled Ghostbusters DVD

The doomed reboot arrived on DVD with a new alternate title, GHOSTBUSTERS: Answer The Call.

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To make nice for the Tweet that drove dapper director Paul Feig to block me from his Twitter page, I offered a few alternative titles of my own… but by the looks of it, the Feig feud is still on. His loss is your gain. Here’s the ten rejected alternate titles for the alternately titled Ghostbusters DVD.

1. GHOSTBUSTERS: Who We Gonna Blame?

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2. GHOSTBUSTERS: What Are We Gonna Do?

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3. GHOSTBUSTERS: Can We Get A Do-Over?

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4. GHOSTBUSTERS: It Sounded Good On Paper

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5. GHOSTBUSTERS: Starring Kate McKinnon

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6. GHOSTBUSTERS: We Had So Many Big Plans

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7. GHOSTBUSTERS: Insulting Fans Was A Bad Idea

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8. GHOSTBUSTERS: A Lot Of Marketing People Got Fired

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9. GHOSTBUSTERS: One Of Our Careers Is Toast

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10. GHOSTBUSTERS: Sorry. We’re sorry. Really Really Sorry. Happy Now? Is that – One More? Seriously? Ok, Fine. Sorry.

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